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When I was young and wanted a snack my mom would always tell me to “Have a nice piece of fruit.” I hated that phrase. First of all, fruit isn’t nice and second of all, I didn’t want fruit. No kid wants fruit for a snack. They want brownies. So I always have to laugh whenever I go to a fancy restaurant and the waiter personifies the specials. “It’s a lovely white flaky fish.” “Tonight we have a handsome veal shank.” “Our catch of the day is just delightful.” Fish is usually described as nice or delightful. Beef is gorgeous. No slab of beef I ever saw looked gorgeous to me. Intimidating, maybe. Offensive, depending on where it’s being served. But gorgeous, no.

The fancier the restaurant the more the food is given human attributes. And sometimes they even use SAT words. “The special is really quite convivial.” Seriously? I think the concept should be banned for no other reason than it sounds absolutely asinine.

Now maybe if the offerings were better when I was younger it wouldn’t bother me so much. After all, what kid doesn’t want a “friendly bowl of hot buttered popcorn?”

But it does employ a good sales tactic, I guess. And I do notice that at least one person at my table always orders the “delightful something” whenever the waiter starts explaining how nice it is so maybe it works. Maybe if I try it at home with my family I can get them to eat something they normally wouldn’t. But I’ll have to use much cooler lingo to pull it off. Like a phat chicken burger. 

Or a dope lasagna.

Fish is one of those things that no kid ever wants to eat. I barely want to eat it myself. But it’s good for you and it doesn’t take long to cook so tonight I’ll try again. It’s all about the sell, isn’t it?