How to Be Gone for an Entire Day and Feed Your Family Without Them Actually Knowing You’re Out of the House
Black Friday. It’s a day I typically could care less about. Actually that’s not true. I do care. It’s just that I haven’t been to the mall the day after Thanksgiving in about ten years. The reason for this isn’t because I don’t like to shop. It’s because taking an entire day to myself to shop seems like the ultimate luxury (one that my kids would highly oppose) and bringing my kids with me to the mall would be absolute hell.
But now that I’m older and wiser, I realize it’s not necessarily about my actual presence in the household that is needed as much as it is about sustenance. Sustenance that is required pretty much every 20 minutes. So today’s Kitchen Chaos is strategically planned food that pre-empts anyone asking for anything for ten hours.
Your goal: To leave the house by 6 am and slip back in by 4 pm without one phone call from home. A full day of uninterrupted shopping bliss. Of course seeing that it’s already 8 am EST and my dog already had an accident on my rug, I’m two hours behind schedule so this is for my West Coast Friends.
So…here’s your recipe for today.
- 5 am. Wake up. Bag the shower and toss on something really comfortable (don’t forget the baseball hat).
- Quietly creep downstairs. Let out dog immediately so no one wakes up.
- Place two frozen waffles in the toaster. Remove oven mitt from drawer and leave next to toaster along with two napkins.
- Pre-set coffee maker for 7 am.
- Remove frozen Pigs ‘n Blankets from box in freezer and put on cookie sheet. Put cookie sheet back in freezer.
- Leave sticky note on oven that reads “At 3 pm put in Pigs ‘n Blankets on 400 for 20 minutes.” Leave another sticky note on freezer that reads “Pigs ‘n Blankets.”
- Take out box of Mac ‘n Cheese, colander and wooden spoon and leave next to stove.
- Leave four fruit roll-ups and two bananas on the counter. Grab Dominoes coupon and leave on counter with $20.
- Let dog in. Feed dog.
- Get the hell out. (Now’s your only chance because you’ve already created a bit of noise and the natives are starting to stir.)
Now, when kids wake up, dog will have been walked and fed. Frozen waffles are ready to be toasted, coffee is made and tools for mac ‘n cheese are easily accessible when husband calls to ask “Where are the pots and pans?”
When husband gets sick of hanging out with kids and turns on football, Pigs ‘n Blankets will be ready to go. If husband calls to ask “Where is the kitchen?” just say “Wrong number” and hang up.
There are no excuses. You’ve even left out the snacks.
By the time you come home at 4 pm your family won’t even know you were gone all day and will simply ask “What’s for dinner?” as if you were there all along.
If dog has already taken the liberty to go to the bathroom on your rug, because your timing was .0004 seconds off, dart. Dart like you didn’t see it. Dart like the smell was still too new to actually make it to your nose. Play dumb. Just get out.