Fifty Shades of Skirt Steak…Marinated Skirt Steak

by mykitchenchaos | posted on: March 13th, 2012 |  10 Comments

So I’m sitting in carpool line minding my own business reading my mom porn, Fifty Shades of Grey when someone knocks on my window to ask me a question about the PTA. Talk about a buzz kill.

Excuse me? Yeah, that’s what I said. Mom Porn. Fifty Shades of Grey. Read it yet? You know you have. Well if not, get to it because I REALLY want to talk about it to someone right now. Not because I want to book group it and discuss the inner depths of the characters or overarching academic themes (um, there aren’t any) but because I’m trying to figure out why this has become the “IT” book for suburban moms as opposed to every other trashy novel out there? Is it because the author believes we’re all pathetic and in desperate need of erotica, but have to keep that erotica within the confines of an upper middle class life? Like I haven’t done any of that stuff before. Puhleease. I could give ole Fifty a real run for his money. Don’t insult me.

Or, wait! Is it because the author wants to show us how adroit a·droit/əˈdroit/

Adjective:
Clever or skillful in using the hands or mind.
Synonyms:
deft – dexterous – clever – skillful – skilful – dextrous

 

she is with her thesaurus because she’s assuming the average eduction level of her reader is much higher than that of the average trashy novel reader? My god that woman uses wayyyy too many SAT words to try to impress. Not to mention it’s really annoying to be reminded of how poorly you did on the verbal SATS when you’re trying to get to the sex parts.

There’s even a hint of Dr. Seuss in there too. After all, they do in on a boat, they do it in a float, they do it in a copter, they do it (help me here, what rhymes with copter?). You get the point. Call me naive, but does this s#$t really go on? As they say in the South, Da-yam!

So, fess up. Fifty Shades of Grey. Who’s read it? What’d you think? Do all women really crave submission after all? My my, look how far we’ve come.

Speaking of submission, I guess I should figure out what’s for dinner. Oh! Did I just say that? Silly me! If I were in Fifty Shades of Grey I’d be ordering up oysters and some sort of beef reduction/au jus drizzled with something on my yacht while slathering sunscreen on and simultaneously holding my bubbly. But I’m in my kitchen and just stepped on three Goldfish which I’m now trying to get the dog to lick up and there’s no room service to be found for miles. How the hell am I supposed to put down Fifty Shades of Grey and just go back to cooking up turkey burgers? Might as well just grab me a moo-moo and put my hair in those big velcro curler jobs. Right?

So what to cook for your family when you’re reading erotica…man this is a hard one. Ooh, page 35…let me count how many times she uses the word salacious in one paragraph. Three. Clearly I’m not getting anywhere, except now the dang carpool line’s moving and I actually have to stop reading and drive. I know you can’t text and drive but can you read erotica and drive? With kids in the car? I won’t answer that.

So goodbye for now Fifty. Time to drop off the little cuties in the back of my car and do some homework. But I’ll be back later.

Submissive Skirt Steak (it’s the closest thing you’re gonna get so work with me)

Nothing Screams Salacious Sex Like Skirt Steak

Ingredients:

  • 1 skirt steak (or flank steak)
  • appx 1/2 cup olive oil
  • appx 1/2 cup soy sauce
  • chopped scallions (as many as you want; remember you’re in charge here)
  • couple of TBSPs of brown sugar
  • one chopped garlic clove
  • juice of one lemon or one lime
Directions:
  1. Combine all ingredients.
  2. Cut slits in skirt steak and sexily place chopped garlic in the holes (you can conjure up your own thoughts here – I’m out).
  3. Drizzle (using words like drizzle is MUCH sexier than marinate) sauce over the skirt steak.
  4. Let marinate for a few hours while you go to the spa and get a pedicure and drink a few cocktails (HA!).
  5. Put on a skirt yourself.
  6. Cut slits in your skirt like Angelina Jolie.
  7. Grill your steak in a skirt and high heels.
  8. Feed the skirt steak to your significant other.
  9. See what happens later.

 

 

 

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10 Responses

  1. Amy Fox says:

    You’ve convinced me to read the book and make the steak. So simple! I thank you (and so does my hubby) ;)

  2. Michelle Pomerantz says:

    I am uploading it right now….

  3. Andrea says:

    Just finished it. I mean like 5 minutes ago I just finished it and my phone buzzed and I checked my email and there’s your column. I just don’t believe that we all secretly want to be submissive, no da-yam way. But is it enough to tap the “Yeah, we look like we have it all together, but you truly have no clue…” vulnerability we all have that makes us relate to Ana?

    Or maybe it makes us all feel better about ourselves, that, unlike her, we aren’t such slaves to our desires, and uh, needs, and uh… Wait, what was I doing?

    Oh yeah, flank steak. I can do that. And rice, and grilled veggies. And text my husband. But no high heels, they get stuck between the boards on the deck.

    • mykitchenchaos says:

      Haa! Andrea. Thanks for kicking off the discussion. So agree with the “Look like we have it all together” point. And the high heels!!
      thanks for the comment!

  4. Taylor says:

    Heee heeee. I am so into this trash!! Love the post today!!

  5. Alison Levo says:

    How this ‘novel’ has gotten such buzz is beyond me. I’m hoping we’re not that pathetic but it is kind of funny how many of us seem to be reading it right now. Thanks for the laugh, as usual.

  6. carmen Mia says:

    As usual, I’m cracking up reading this. Probably shouldn’t be driving though! Can’t wait to try this skirt steak!

  7. Marianne Selby says:

    My book club just chose this book, probably due to its popularity more than anything else. Personally I didn’t enjoy it, didn’t think it did anything for women (or my marriage) other than make me feel like we’ve taken a step backwards. But on a positive note, I made your skirt steak and loved it!! My husband devoured it! Guess the book’s worth something then!

  8. Raina Mohan says:

    well this just made my day! I am making this skirt steak tonight but probably won’t have the same results at our dear friend ANA! LOVE YOUR BLOG!!!

  9. Audrey Smith says:

    I didn’t read it and I wasn’t even thinking about it until I read your post, but I must admit I was intrigued at first because everyone seemed to be so into it. It seemed like a trash to me but who knows, I may just get to enjoy it. Maybe I’ll read this book for the same reasons that I watch action movies and maybe that’s how you’re supposed to enjoy fifty shades.

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