So I’m sitting in carpool line minding my own business reading my mom porn, Fifty Shades of Grey when someone knocks on my window to ask me a question about the PTA. Talk about a buzz kill.
Excuse me? Yeah, that’s what I said. Mom Porn. Fifty Shades of Grey. Read it yet? You know you have. Well if not, get to it because I REALLY want to talk about it to someone right now. Not because I want to book group it and discuss the inner depths of the characters or overarching academic themes (um, there aren’t any) but because I’m trying to figure out why this has become the “IT” book for suburban moms as opposed to every other trashy novel out there? Is it because the author believes we’re all pathetic and in desperate need of erotica, but have to keep that erotica within the confines of an upper middle class life? Like I haven’t done any of that stuff before. Puhleease. I could give ole Fifty a real run for his money. Don’t insult me.
Or, wait! Is it because the author wants to show us how adroit a·droit/əˈdroit/
deft – dexterous – clever – skillful – skilful – dextrous
she is with her thesaurus because she’s assuming the average eduction level of her reader is much higher than that of the average trashy novel reader? My god that woman uses wayyyy too many SAT words to try to impress. Not to mention it’s really annoying to be reminded of how poorly you did on the verbal SATS when you’re trying to get to the sex parts.
There’s even a hint of Dr. Seuss in there too. After all, they do in on a boat, they do it in a float, they do it in a copter, they do it (help me here, what rhymes with copter?). You get the point. Call me naive, but does this s#$t really go on? As they say in the South, Da-yam!
So, fess up. Fifty Shades of Grey. Who’s read it? What’d you think? Do all women really crave submission after all? My my, look how far we’ve come.
Speaking of submission, I guess I should figure out what’s for dinner. Oh! Did I just say that? Silly me! If I were in Fifty Shades of Grey I’d be ordering up oysters and some sort of beef reduction/au jus drizzled with something on my yacht while slathering sunscreen on and simultaneously holding my bubbly. But I’m in my kitchen and just stepped on three Goldfish which I’m now trying to get the dog to lick up and there’s no room service to be found for miles. How the hell am I supposed to put down Fifty Shades of Grey and just go back to cooking up turkey burgers? Might as well just grab me a moo-moo and put my hair in those big velcro curler jobs. Right?
So what to cook for your family when you’re reading erotica…man this is a hard one. Ooh, page 35…let me count how many times she uses the word salacious in one paragraph. Three. Clearly I’m not getting anywhere, except now the dang carpool line’s moving and I actually have to stop reading and drive. I know you can’t text and drive but can you read erotica and drive? With kids in the car? I won’t answer that.
So goodbye for now Fifty. Time to drop off the little cuties in the back of my car and do some homework. But I’ll be back later.
Submissive Skirt Steak (it’s the closest thing you’re gonna get so work with me)
- 1 skirt steak (or flank steak)
- appx 1/2 cup olive oil
- appx 1/2 cup soy sauce
- chopped scallions (as many as you want; remember you’re in charge here)
- couple of TBSPs of brown sugar
- one chopped garlic clove
- juice of one lemon or one lime
- Combine all ingredients.
- Cut slits in skirt steak and sexily place chopped garlic in the holes (you can conjure up your own thoughts here – I’m out).
- Drizzle (using words like drizzle is MUCH sexier than marinate) sauce over the skirt steak.
- Let marinate for a few hours while you go to the spa and get a pedicure and drink a few cocktails (HA!).
- Put on a skirt yourself.
- Cut slits in your skirt like Angelina Jolie.
- Grill your steak in a skirt and high heels.
- Feed the skirt steak to your significant other.
- See what happens later.